'American Idol' Update

It’s 70s night for the final 10 guys tonight. And, in case you missed it, here’s what happened:

MICHAEL JOHNS – (“Go Your Own Way” – Fleetwood Mac) This guy constantly bounces up and down when he sings. I am too distracted to even notice his voice. Randy is ready for him to “just let go!” Paula says he’s “consistent, consistent.” I’m sure the redundancy was necessary in her head. Simon says it was his weakest performance so far. Michael’s response? “Hey, it happens.” Well said, dude.

JASON CASTRO - (“I Just Want To Be Your Everything” – Andy Gibb) Before he sings, he has an extremely awkward interview about interviews. I wonder if this is really necessary. Dreadlocks brings out the guitar for this performance. His voice really doesn’t impress me all that much. I think it’s because I’m too amused by the dorky contestants dancing and clapping in the balcony. I wonder if they know they’re on television. Randy agrees with me: “The vocals just aren’t that great dude.” Paula thinks he’s cute, but she wants him to be more vulnerable. I find that inappropriately amusing. Simon says his song is “schmaltzy.” What?

LUKE MENARD – (I have no idea what this song is. Something about laser beams.) In his interview, we learn that he is in an a capella boy band. His insight on a capella? “It’s not like having a band behind you at all.” Ahahaha. Thanks for that. This guy thinks he is sexy. I think he’s goofy and his pants are the same color as his shirt. Randy says he’s theatrical. Paula has a crush on him and she’s going to “fight” for him. Simon says that he did a horrible job because he doesn’t have any charisma. Ryan calls him “Dawson’s Creek.” Because we all know that Ryan is such a rugged, manly man that he can make references like that.

ROBBIE CARRICO – (“Hot Blooded” – Foreigner) His strategy for this competition: “I be me.” Fantastic! I be me, you be you, we be we, and we all scream for ice cream. I actually like this guy. He’s different. I can’t figure out what he has all over his shirt, though. Randy was “ready to be wowed, but nothing came out.” Please don’t tell me I’m the only one in the world who finds this comment hilarious. Paula says he’s genuine. After all, “Who else can know who you are, but you?” We’ve already established this. He be him, Paula. Weren’t you listening? Simon says the vocal was “OK.”

DANNY NORIEGA – ( “Superstar/Until You Come Back to Me” – The Carpenters) How am I supposed to take this kid seriously? He’s wearing a checkered sweater and pants that are tighter than mine. Randy ‘s a fan of him because he’s a “fun guy.” I just think Randy’s jealous of his hair. Paula tells him he needs to stop over-thinking things. Whatever that means. Simon says he looks terrific on camera. That’s precious.

DAVID HERNANDEZ – (“Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone” – The Temptations) He can “whip out” a back handspring in a leotard like it’s “nobody’s business.” I think I will mind my own business on that one. This guy sounds like someone, but I can’t put my finger on who it is. His performance is pretty lame until he finishes by jumping up and stomping on the stage, reminiscent of a touchdown celebration. Randy said he “put it down” well. Paula makes it clear that his voice “pierces her through the heart.” Simon calls it the best vocal of the night so far. I wonder why David is wearing a dog tag.

JASON YEAGER – (“Long Train Running (Without Love)” – Doobie Brothers) His hair bothers me a lot. It’s all brown except for this one piece of blonde hair that just sticks out in front of his forehead. I’m pretty sure he smiled throughout his entire performance. Randy says it’s “pitchy and karaoke-ish.” Paula wants him to pick “singer songs.” Paula has something stronger than Coca Cola in that cup. Simon says he’s awkward and looks like he’s drunk at a party. I agree with Simon.

CHIKEZIE – (“I Believe” – Donny Hathaway) This guy is entertaining. I really enjoyed this performance. Randy sings his praises and calls him “dog” several times. Paula thinks he’s clever. Simon says he was a million times better than the “horror show” last week. What a sweet thing to say.

DAVID COOK – (“All Right Now” – Free) He’s a self-proclaimed “word nerd.” So am I. Needless to say, his vocabulary doesn’t impress me. But he thinks it does, and I suppose that’s what matters. His performance is good, but I still hate the tight pants. Randy says he’s a “real rocker.” Paula agrees and assures him, “You got it! You got it! You got it!” Again, with the redundancy. Simon says he is believable but lacks charisma. David retorts, but it hurts Simon’s itty bitty feelings.

DAVID ARCHULETA – (“Imagine” – John Lennon) I love this song, but I do not like his version. I don’t care how good his vocals are, the lyrics of this song are too amazing to be downplayed by long, drawn-out, show-offy vocals. Randy disagrees with me. He says David is born to do this. Paula wants to take off his head and “dangle it from her rear-view mirror.” I kid you not. She actually said this. Simon says he’s the “one to beat.” Every 16-year-old girl in America swoons.